i want to rip the blue diary to pieces.

i don't know how i'll find peace tomorrow with people in the house.

potoo wants to be friends. i don't think i can do that.

not for now, at the least.

i am sad and tonight is cold. i don't know how i will recover. i will, as i always do. the wounded angel i am -- and all pluck feathers until i am bare. i feel i have few feathers left.

lorazepam makes me retarded enough not to cut myself -- atleast for now. but it does not stop the emotional pain. i want ketamine, or rather the fx it brings me, but i don't want to kill my kidneys, my body.

i considered other medicines, but nothing really helps -- lorazepam itself, if you go to 3mg (over the course of a day) it just puts me to sleep. which has utility, but i don't want to gain a dependence on benzos, knowing how nasty that can be.

i just want to be free and loved. it feels like God is either very very cruel, or Satan gets free rein with me. perhaps both.