tale of N. me weeping, screaming, and whining into the void.
"it's funny how he says he was glad i was there, then, that i stopped him killing himself. where is he, for me, now?"

my manager bullied me at my job. i wanted to quit.

one day, my mum told me if i wanted to quit, i'd be homeless.

one day, my mum told me she had put security cameras in my room.

she'd be horrible about everything i used to cope with that situation.

around that time i had started joining discord servers - i had looked on r9k, on /soc/ - and found one.

i chatted every now and again, but only really got drunk.

i ran away, and i lived in a budget hotel for a week. i drank all day, ate fast food, and gave some sustenance to the homeless.

i posted about how fruitless my situation was, and i made friends. on twitter, a couple of transgender people, and on discord, a nice austrian gay guy.

i liked talking to this austrian guy. he was nice, so nice, so kind. it made me feel so much less lonely, yknow? i had someone to talk to about all my problems.

eventually at some point over the course of that week, i speak to his boyfriend: we meet each other, we like each other, we spend a lot of time together.

we even flirt a little. he makes remarks about my body.

he complains when i don't respond fast enough - which i really don't mind. if anything, i would want someone that is eagerly waiting on me to respond, yknow? someone who feels the way i feel about them.

i ignore the texts from my mum - i block her - and i block my work's phone, too.

towards the end of the week, four or so days in, i feel despair: that i might actually be homeless. i had a ridiculously oversized suitcase i had brought to this place, that i had no idea of what to do with, and a backpack with a lock on it that i thought might help secure me if anyone wanted to rob me when i slept on the street.

my brother called, offered me a place. he and his fiance were kind: they were lovely. i hadn't had this much contact with him in forever. and this show of familial love from him, ever.

so i lived with him for a while. me and the austrian guy's boyfriend (he was a NEET) spent all day, everyday together: we drank at night (with rum my brother kept me well-stocked in), we played games, we watched movies and series and animes together. it was heaven.

i told him one day it hurt, but that i had feelings for him, but i understood nothing could happen while they were together.

we flirted, a lot. eventually, he broke up with his boyfriend - he was betraying his trust, secret twitter accounts to jerk off to femboys, an onlyfans account to subscribe to people.

i felt for him, then. he was injured, and i wanted to be there for him as best i can.

it's funny how he says he was glad i was there, then, that i stopped him killing himself. where is he, for me, now?

we played games like Stellaris, like HOI4, we vc'd together all the time, making memories. we watched seraph of the end, EoE & the rebuilds of evangelion, attack on titan, promised neverland over the years... and much, much more.

my mum came to visit me on my birthday. my laptop had broken, and i needed my old PC badly. it worked okay, the internet was shit there, but i was happy to have a place.

eventually, my brother wanted me to go back home. i wanted to live on benefits forever. and in many ways, maybe it'd be a nicer life. i know i'm mentally ill enough for it and all; work causes me severe damage everyday.

i tried to do the best i can. life was hard, with the alcohol addiction i had, and the terrible job i went back to.

we still spent lots of time together, but less. i was just as desperate for his attention, and he told me when he went places, if his mother was staying over and he'd be unable to respond. i'd still miss him, but i understood.

he played games i didn't like, i tried them, but i couldn't bring myself to play them. i understood, and let him play them to his hearts content - hours and hours a day, i'd get 10 minutes of his time. but i understood.

eventually, i was sick one christmas, and decided alcohol was compromising my immunity. i slowly weaned myself off it, and quit.

i quit, but weaning didn't help too much (maybe it did). it gave me baaad acid reflux, i felt sick for like five hours every night, as soon as i'd eaten dinner, like clockwork.

i ate a lot less, my anxiety was the highest it's ever been. we were planning a visit in the later end of the year since christmas, but i'd been through a lot, with the sickness that gave me OCD-level compulsions and behaviours, and now this new sickness too. i was spending about an hour a day washing my hands.

i hated myself, and i was so anxious all the time. more than anything, i was anxious i would lose him. he wanted to talk about the visit on vc, all the places he'd mapped out. i couldn't, i was too anxious and vc'ing with him would've made me more anxious. i worried every moment on voice about being as entertaining as i possibly could be, to be the best i could, for him.

i apologised everyday that i couldn't spend time with him, and i missed him so much. he still spent most of the day on his new game, project zomboid, and i barely got time to spend with him.

one day, as i was heading home, he mentions going on grindr. i don't complain too much - i thought it'd be just a sexual thing, and that he had the emotional and intellectual maturity to treat it as a sexual thing. it still made me uncomfortable. eventually though he doesn't like the people on grindr and i help disparage them too.

i think im safe, and that he's going to stick with me.

over this period, he says he didn't want me to make new friends, didn't want me to meet my exes. he didn't want me to meet my exes (who are all dating other people), the only people i know in the world realistically that know me for me. i didn't mind, because i thought it'd earn me favour with him. a proof of loyalty, something i find so incredibly important.

eventually, he'd say that was all a joke, but at the same time, he'd say of that period when i mentioned meeting my exes that he was mentally preparing for me to date someone.

i often messaged him good morning, good night, because i cared about him so much. i'd be so excited to speak to him, i'd be on my phone at work while not on break - something i'd do for no one else.

eventually, he disappeared for two or three days. very odd, i thought - he never disappears.

turns out he was fucking someone else. he had found someone - on grindr, or /soc/, i didn't know at the time.

he's denied any wrongdoing. if he knew how i felt, things would've been different. he'd have chosen me. he was going to come to London to see if I'm worthy, and then said it felt weird and cheaty after days. he just didn't want to tell me. he said that kissing and cuddling are not romantic, he talks about that with friends. but now he has this guy, he doesn't wnt to talk about it. odd, isn't it. i don't have the energy to write anymore right now - maybe another time. i'm just, so sad.