I've phrased this a bit wooden, but I am drained.
Owing to some intense distress that I can probably mostly blame myself for, I have been doing a bit more ketamine than I should be recently.
I usually did it every few months, and now I did it for 5 days in a row, ran out, and after 2 days full break I'll be having more. Probably, again, for days in a row.
One day I started it pretty much 30-60 min after I woke up.
It's a temporary solution and a band-aid alternative to cutting myself. Trips can also be quite nice, soothing, and personally developing sometimes.
I'll try to rein it in after this time. I just get a massive pressure build-up in my head, and it's really hard to deal with. I feel like I HAVE to do something about it. Go for a walk and smoke, cut, or something worse. New friends, and better connections with older ones, have helped me get through these past two days. So I guess I should be fine if I try and rely on this less, and it'd be good for my health, too.
Although sometimes, even cheesy chips, anime with a friend, and a smoky nightwalk doesn't help.
When I k-holed (which I did on one of these days), which is basically near-completely leaving your body psychologically, I felt the person who had abused me as a child had died, or his spectre in my head. I felt complete and utter, total zen -- just complete calm and contentment -- for hours, until I slept. It does help you work things out, especially when you do it mindfully -- with consideration. It doesn't make you any better at Lethal Company, for reasons I shouldn't have to explain.
You can also feel like so many things, or things that are calming to be. A doll, a mech pilot, or an angel. Communism but I become a naiad?. I don't know how to explain this to the initiated: you'd have to experience what it's like to get it. It makes me feel loved, as loved as all the love I hold for those around me.
i got to vc with a cute girl too when i was super high, even though i had to be quiet, it was truly peak
One time I felt like a person controlled by 9 or 12 different civilisations, each divided by walls in a grid. They had unique cultures and differing opinions, and I was having overlapping thoughts and thoughts at the same time as visions in my head. I use 'vision' here as an alternative term to 'imagine', because it was not as if I was imagining the things I was seeing on purpose, or intentionally.
I've got a long list of things to do, including blood tests that I really should get round to. I've just been quite up and down. But the blood test may reveal there are easy solutions to that.
I'm waiting on this venlafaxine to start working, too. I think it's slowly getting there. Maybe that will help with stability.. sigh. Maybe I just need to do some ketamine, and I'll have worked out my problems.
(And yes, I was conflicted about using an SNRI.)
It's really not good, but I'm going to go have a cigarette or two. Do forgive me, and I hope my body will, too.
I'll leave you with a song recommendation, or two: LoST by Bring Me The Horizon and Jesus Christ, by Brand New.