I have a complicated relationship with love. As I've mentioned, pictures of peoples names carved into my arm are on YouTube and I know rudimentary Swedish.
I have so, so much love. For everyone. I care so much about everyone. Genuinely, I want nothing more than for everyone to be happy, for everyone to succeed and win, to achieve their dreams.
They say people like me are more likely than not to have some artistic preoccupation.
I generally, though a poor expression, perhaps consider my art to be people -- I want to make them happy, to aid them in all things, regardless of how it makes me feel. Unless they're killing themselves, obviously..
So long as they keep living. That's all that matters. To have the chance of better days.
I often daydream of people getting the things they really want and need. I love all. I remember making a friend with a few homeless guys when I, too, was almost in that state myself in Birmingham.
I dream of them getting what they want.
But love is really hard. And, I'm jealous, too. So, so jealous. I don't know how to handle the levels of jealousy I have.
It could just be sadness that I don't have the same thing? I don't know.
I do know I just want to be happy and to share my love and to be loved. I'm so glad I am loved, but. I still crave more than my shitty Severance life, so bad.
I wish I could live with someone who loved me. The things other people get, I have never had. I guess I'm only 22, but it makes me want to hurt myself.
As far as that's gone, I've been improving, a little. Yesterday I walked in the rain at late-night for fuck knows how long, smoking stale capsule cigarillos until I wouldn't stop gagging. I haven't smoked for years. That and a plate of cheesy chips stopped me cutting my legs again with the old-type razor blades and the weird idea of banging my head into a wall I struggled to dispel.
I was using ketamine daily for a week or so there, but it wasn't a good idea. It was nice, when she worried about me. She always takes care of me whenever i happen to need. It meant she cared. I don't doubt her, not one bit. Even though I've gotten better at dispelling foolish notions and keeping true ones in my head, sometimes my brain can still be mean. It's too used to taking a hammer to my happiness and the nice things happening to me.
I think I'm fucked in the head, and I can't lose what I have now. It'd do me in even worse. I do not give up, not anymore. I am destined to struggle and fuck and cry and hope for more good.
Besides: our fates are intertwined. That is a benefit I adore, that we have a beautiful, deep, magic connection.
I wish I could have what they do, what they get to do, what they'll get to do.
I know I'm being unfair. This ultimately, is all nonsense. I know it's been forced and it'll be difficult for them. I want it to happen for them more than anything and I will help any way I can. It fills me with happiness, knowing the nice things it'll do. Because they'll be happy.
Besides -- we have our own level. Just for us
Or maybe it's not jealousy, but affection. I don't know what it is? I just.
I guess it wouldn't have been good for me, back then.
Atleast I wouldn't have been alone, and it felt back then all would've been right with the world.
My love can, at times, be too much -- overbearing and all-consuming, both on myself and others, if I let it.
I trust that I will be okay. Because I know I will not be betrayed. Not here, and not by her. The most beautiful soul I've ever encountered, whose eyes possess an entire galaxy worth exploring. fuck that -- a universe of beauty. I love her ever so much. it feels like winning the lottery everytime I can make her smile.
it is true and genuine love -- for i would never seek to limit her, not one bit.
These feelings are probably borne from my hormonal changes and their mood-swings, and my newfound vulnerability as I confront insecurity. After all: I've never been more than I am now, never been more open. I just get scared, like I did when I was writing this. There is no real disaster around the corner. Just a future to figure out. logic and everything i know to be true tells me i will be okay, i will be happy. just, stay cool.