"There must be something like the opposite of suicide, whereby a person radically and abruptly decides to start living, and/or rescue their own life from destruction"
I searched for a good way to carry across the concept of becoming oneself. Apotheosis -- becoming God. Perhaps somewhat accurate -- in this circumstance it would be a victory over the super-ego of GOD that rules over you, whatever god that is, whether a religious god, money, more. Metamorphosis -- transformation into something else. I feel this one at least does not even partially encapsulate the emotion, since it implies a difference. There is no difference from my actual self that I wish to achieve -- simply to be transparently, clearly me.
I think I've always, always struggled with being myself. It might be a consequence of undiagnosed BPD, it may be my autism, it may literally just be such a deep desire to be wanted, loved, liked, accompanied with a staunch determination to internally refute all compliments and acts of kindness.
It's a hard task to overcome. Somebody very important once told me recently that it feels like I can pretend to be someone else.
It was an abrupt reminder of something I've always felt -- and now it's been observed, I was shaken out of that kind of slumber.
It's hard to like, break out of your shell. I think I learnt this first when I was abused: to carry the overwhelming shame and weight all on your own, for the rest of your life. Concealment became as consequence second-nature.
To shred the directive of assimilation and accommodation is an incredible campaign to pursue.
I need to be me so bad. And it's not even wholly because others want me to be: but I need to be for my own happiness.
I think it's really important to be yourself. To open yourself up to vulnerability. That is what Eva teaches us, I think. It took me a while to learn that. But, to be fair -- good pieces of art unravel as interpretations come and go.
I'm not sure of the answer, yet, I don't think. So far -- I just think it's doing as much that you want to as you can. Snake bites, nails, clothes. Other shit. Marx's quote is a cliche and more financially oriented, but nevertheless:
"The less you eat, drink, buy books, go to the theatre or to balls, or to the pub, and the less you think, love, theorize, sing, paint, fence, etc., the more you will be able to save and the greater will become your treasure which neither moth nor rust will corrupt—your capital. The less you are, the less you express your life, the more you have, the greater is your alienated life and the greater is the saving of your alienated being."
Religion was a challenge to overcome, too, I think: I just feel too guilty dedicating myself to a religion that theologically hates me. I was indoctrinated into these things as a child, and, realistically, was only put into the whole charade to get me into a better school. I'd pray everyday, and it only made me feel worse and more of a sinner. Who, really, honestly, cares about any of that?
I still feel jealous, all the time. I'm so jealous, so so jealous, of what they do & will get to do. That's something I have no idea how to solve. Maybe someday, I'll get the same thing.
it doesn't feel satisfying leaving it at this, but, it is what it is. i need to focus more on being me :) because real me pretty cool.